So the thing about pooping is this…..(yeah, stand by on this one. I felt you all might need a laugh or at least a smile as I have been very serious lately.) The thing is everyone does it yet people don’t talk about it a great deal. The people in MY family do, but in general, I find that does not happen. I mean, poop can be funny. Children find the topic funny and well, it can be. And I was thinking (See, I say that.) about a doctor who was in training, yes I know they call them interns, who asked me about my pooping habits. No he didn’t say it that way, but it would have been kind of funny if he had, and he was actually shocked when I gave him an honest answer.
Well, I am nothing if not honest and incredibly direct. Maybe I should have explained that to him but he was a doctor for FUCK’S sake. I thought he could handle some simple descriptions of what he had asked me about!
I don’t know why but people look at me and expect me to be all prim and proper. I look like a fucking librarian or something. I just have this face that looks all innocent and as my mother used to say, “like I wouldn’t say shit with my mouth full.”
As you know from reading this blog or from knowing me in real life, I WOULD say shit with my full and possibly fuck and many other things. Ha! However, I do not use the word fuck when I am in the doctor’s office. If someone hit me, which would be highly inappropriate, I have to say, or caught me off guard and did something equally outrageous AND I did not have a child with me or there was not one standing right there, well, I might say it. Yes, I can control it. I am not a savage or inappropriate and I know lots of words. I can control what comes out of my mouth. I just happen to like the word fuck. Fuck, Fuck, Fuck. See?
So I had been having digestive issues and my regular doctor had been treating me for them. For some reason they sent this new doctor in to interview me about my symptoms. He asked me very specific questions about the amount of feces each time I went to the bathroom. I was having diarrhea on an ongoing basis ( turned out to be a food allergy but I digress). It was bad. It told him I didn’t know.
I was trying to be nice, initially. I really didn’t know and I wasn’t sure I wanted to guess.. He asked me to guess. I told him it was liquid form, really. Then he insisted I guess, so I did and gave him a cup size measurement. You don’t need that information. I’m not sure he did!
Then he wanted to know what it was like, to describe the consistency. He insisted, I have to tell you. He really did.
I looked him straight in the eye and I said this. “It’s like urinating out my anus.” The look of shock on his face. I almost laughed.
I mean, it wasn’t funny that I was living with that problem. I mean I was working all day, not eating until I got home at night and I was hungry. But his reaction! I mean, he was a doctor and he looked shocked and kind of grossed out. Seriously, why was he asking these questions if he didn’t want the answer? I hope he learned a lesson that day.
Even funnier, at least to me, was that my regular doctor, a very nice man, walked in the door at that point all cheerful as usual and said hello and the new doctor had to recover from my statement as quickly as possible. I watched him do it. He actually did pretty well.
Oh, life does amuse me sometimes. You just shouldn’t judge people by the way they look. I think that is my point. Or at least part of it. And if you ask the question, be prepared for an honest answer. And poop, poop can be funny, so lighten up.