Technology has made me its bitch today. Yes, plenty of times in the past, but REALLY today. I do not say this with any kind of pride. I do not like being the fiftyish woman who can’t turn on my own fucking television but it’s true, damn it, it’s true.
What happened to the young independent radical feminist bitch who would take no shit and WOULD rule the world? I’ll tell you what happened to her. She was yelling and swearing at the fucking xbox one today to turn on the FUCKING TV, DAMN IT !…….and then laughing.
At one point I thought the neighbor might get worried about me and have me locked up. Okay, not really, but I thought he might get worried about me or at the very least think I had been drinking. AND I DON’T DRINK. I have nothing against drinking if you can handle your high, so to speak. It’s just that food, not alcohol is my thing. So there is that.
You see, my husband routed the tv and cable through the xbox, his Christmas present. Before that I could turn on the tv with no problem. Last night I could do it with no problem. But today, FUCK no. Today when I was here and it was just me, the dog, and the x box, I was saying, “X box, on. ” And “X box, turn on tv.” Then I decided it might be a Marine Corps x box and needed to be sworn at to think I was serious.
You see, we had a dog like that when we were in Virginia. I mean, she started off in another state and moved to Virginia with us. I loved her dearly and she was amazing but she would only sit if you said “Sit the FUCK down.” And you had to say it like you meant it. “Sit down. ” That did not cut it. We called her our Marine Corps puppy.)
So, I gave the Marine Corps X box thing a try. “Xbox, turn the FUCKING tv on.” Nope, nothing. I got on my computer, which still worked by the way. Good computer.
Voice commands, my ass. Siri and I had an “incident” on a highway outside of Maryland. In my defense it was my VERY FIRST time using my husband’s (of course) new Iphone and he told me about thirty seconds before he needed the directions that he needed me to learn to use Siri RIGHT THEN and give him the directions to his Aunt’s house.
I do not work well under pressure. I NEVER work well with technology. Siri and I had a……… misunderstanding. She gave me the directions too fast. I ended up yelling, “SAY IT AGAIN, BITCH!” This left my husband and I, both tired from a long day of driving, practically collapsing in laughter.
I crack us up!
It worked. I scared the shit out of Siri and she did repeat the directions we needed. However, our relationship was never the same after that. That bitch simply will not talk to me anymore.