Dysfunctional Family Christmas Cards

 There is a need for dysfunctional family Christmas cards. I have been reading fellow bloggers  and their stories about holidays and I have been, God help me,  laughing. I know that there are families like mine out there, and some are even worse. I am so sorry for that but I find that humor, the darker the better has helped me to heal. So I am here for you. 

 I don’t know who all these cards for “Mom and Dad, You are the best parents ever. You were always there for me, and I love you so much.” are for. I would love to meet those families  if only to restore my faith in the world. I do know some people, not many,  but some who have good parents.

However, I see a need for dysfunctional family Christmas cards and I am doing my best to take care of that. So for those of you who had families who were more like mine, here are some Christmas card ideas.

If Hallmark or any of those other card companies are interested, please send me a message. I could use the income. Seriously. And these ARE MY IDEAS. SERIOUSLY.

1. (front) Merry Christmas,  Mom and Dad

( inside) If you’d like me to come back for Christmas dinner NEXT YEAR, these are the approved topics of conversation THIS YEAR. (Check one or all.)

—– the weather

—–my job

—– your job

—–my spouse, significant other

—–my new hair style, color

—-current events



——the food

—–everyone must sit in total silence and you can nod and smile occasionally. Making yummy sounds about the food will not count against you.

2.  Merry Christmas!

Fuck you very much!

3.  Merry Christmas!

What are you looking in here for? I hate you. A LOT. Seriously. So, this is awkward, but Merry Christmas.

4.  Merry Christmas.

(Inside) You called me fat.

I wasn’t then. I am now. I blame You. Fuck you. I love you anyway. I am broken. Thanks a lot.

5.  Merry Christmas.

Who are we kidding? I really don’t wish you a Merry Christmas. I send these out of guilt.

6. Merry Christmas.

My therapy is going well. It’s all your fault…… apparently. Here is my bill for this year. This shit could go on forever.

7.  Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

You Shit Heads. Seriously, what made you think you should have children?

8. Merry Christmas to the Worst Parents in the World

That’s it. That’s all I needed to say.

9. At Christmas, Mom and Dad.

At times I am at a loss for words. THIS is not one of those times.

You guys SUCK.

10. At Christmas, Mom and Dad

You deserve each other.

I am sure I can come up with more ideas. Feel free to message me with any of your own if you want them shared. I hope I made you laugh or at least smile! I know I gave myself a chuckle. So I am easily amused, I think that can be a good thing. Humor helps us all survive. And I do wish any and all reading this a Merry Christmas. Sincerely. No dysfunction or hostility involved.


About jambiethoughts

My name is Jamie W. Bryant,. Sometimes I drop the W. I am a currently a 55 year old woman with a serious sense of whimsy. I was having a hard time describing myself but when a friend said everyone wanted to be a princess, men and women, I said to call me a Queen, Warrior Queen. I think Whimsical Happy sometimes Silly Warrior Queen Who Takes No Shit But Is Really Kind and loves to have fun but is really responsible might do it. It is long, however I have never been good at editing myself, in SO MANY WAYS, so there is that. If you still have no idea who I am, well, read my blog and try to figure it out. I can be serious. I can be silly. I love to make myself and others laugh. I speak real shit. I believe everyone should be treated with respect, and I will if you will. I calls them as I sees them. I sometimes swear. Gasp! I do not swear when I am in the presence of children, but this blog is for grown ups. You have been warned.
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